Redefining ‘Me’

You know what the funny thing is about relationships?  They can define us. I’ll suggest that this is an evolution and is also not universal.  I know quite a few people who remain individuals even though they are part of a committed partnership.  For some of us though, we slowly slip into cohesion with another and through this connection render our identity from the sum of ourselves and our partners.  Here is where things get interesting: a spectrum appears.  For some of us we remain our inner selves, for others we change. There is no right or wrong here, I don’t suggest that one is better then the other.  How frequently though do we take the time to step back and ask ourselves the question, ‘who am I?’.

In the wake of the most committed and serious relationship of my life (one that lasted 9 years), I found myself asking that very question: ‘who am I?’.  It’s a question I hadn’t addressed in a LONG time.  And why would I?  I was happy, content, fulfilled.  I felt loved, and for me, this pacified the need to have a strong identity as an individual.  I won’t say that I got to live my life EXACTLY as I wanted, but compromise is part of making a relationship work, right?  I certainly was living a lifestyle that made me smile on a daily basis. After graduating from college I moved to the Front Range of Colorado where I worked for the Forest Service seasonally as well as taught snowboarding, skiing, and finally settled into a job as the head grower for a commercial medical marijuana facility.

Fast forward to the present.  Getting laid off.  I guess that working in an industry that has a questionable legal status has it’s associated risks.  I showed up to work one morning a few weeks ago and got to speak to a DEA agent who informed me that a warrant was being exercised.  I was not allowed to be on the property, I was told to go home. After going out to eat breakfast with some co-workers and returning to my facility, I found out that $300,000+ of LEGAL medical marijuana had been cut down.  I won’t go into any more details other then mentioning, we were not doing anything illegal and this whole thing had to do with a previous business owner who wasn’t even involved with us.

Was the universe trying to communicate something to me?  The end of a major relationship, the end of a seemingly stable career/job?  What the hell is going on.  If there is one thing that therapy has taught me, and trust me, I’ve been to a LOT of therapy in the last 8 months, it’s this: dwelling on the past and what we wish could be different is not very healthy. Sure, talking about what we have experienced and figuring out how we feel about past events is important, but we can’t change what has happened.  We can acknowledge the events in our lives, replay them over and over and think of all the other possible outcomes, but we can’t change what has happened.  I already knew what I was working towards – a major change in my life.

I am almost 30, one year to go.  Most people seem to do a lot of adventuring in their 20’s and it seems I am almost a decade late.  I’m not one to worry about what others think though, and the opportunity to abandon all responsibility and live life exactly the way I choose is quite an exciting endeavor.

So here is the idea: this blog will function as a journal for personal reflection as well as a way to document my journey from here going forward.  The journey I am about to start begins in the middle of the Colorado ski season.

I have managed to get 6 days of skiing in so far – 4 at Loveland, 2 at Steamboat Springs, and one backcountry day.  In two days time I will be getting on a plane headed to Los Angeles to spend the holidays with my family on the West Coast. I return on the 30th and have a week of work before driving to Ouray with my girlfriend for two days of ice climbing at the Ouray ice festival.  We will then drive back to Fort Collins to pack up and drive to British Columbia for 10 days of skiing at Revelstoke, Kicking Horse, and the Rogers Pass backcountry.  We will then drive back and after 4 days in Colorado I will then be headed to Utah to connect with some college friends, hopefully drink some beer that is stronger then 3% and do 5 days of skiing at Solitude and Snowbasin before driving back through southern Colorado and getting in some days at either Monarch or Durango.

This is the plan right now and it is subject to change.  There are bigger ambitions just down the road and I hope some of you will be able to follow me on this journey I am about to begin. Here is to rediscovering who I am.

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